Commando Review

Commando

What a gloriously shit film.

Commando is some prime eighties action, with an in his prime Arnie busting out questionable one-liners. It also contains a villain with a chain mail concealed paunch, cardboard models, and a truck load of nonsense.

When John Matrix’s daughter CHENNY is kidnapped, a group of ne’er-do-wells think they can get him to do their bidding. Yes, his name is John Matrix, and I’ll give you one guess on whether or not John helps these losers with their planned military coup.

The production is piss poor, but I can’t deny that I enjoy Commando a hell of a lot. I enjoy that they use the same five bad guys over and over, and that cars can magically fix themselves. The film opens with John and Jenny feeding deer, apparently one with nature, which is worth the admission on it’s own. It ends with him out Rambo’ing Rambo, machine gun rattling away from his hip, which is worth buying a second ticket.

Thinking back over it, Commando could easily be a video game. John encounters several ‘bosses’, requiring different techniques to continue, before his island assault. In a big nod to realism, John does visibly carry all of his equipment, though he also quickly activate an unlimited ammo cheat.

*Googles “Commando Video Game” and find no results.* Shameful.

As someone with an interest in weaponry, it’s cool to see the bad guy using an AUG. Another film comes to mind when thinking of cinematic AUG use, and it’s Die Hard. Sadly I can’t say that Austrian Bullpup rifles correlate to the quality of the film they’re in. Commando is ridiculous on so many levels, but I think it knows that, and decides to run with it. Barreling forward and embracing the nonsense is what keeps it going.

A clear winner when it comes to its quote quotient, my siblings and I have used lines from Commando for years. Having a brother called John helps with this immensely. Routinely asking him “How’s your arm John” is practically a family past time at this point. I’m 99% sure he still enjoys it.

Whoever thought putting Arnold Schwarzenegger against Vernon Wells made sense…I congratulate them. It sums the films up really.

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